notes on the frazzled nature of Rebecca (me): let's worry together!

entering 2025 feeling ****this**** close to a meltdown!!!!!!

Please be aware the following post is a ramble-fuelled frenzy of thoughts and worries!!! Join me! x

First of all I’d like to wish you all a very happy new year and a prosperous, joy-filled 2025- and i’ll sprinkle in some glad-tidings for you too. I enter back into my little Substack world feeling strange, odd and annoyed! But grateful to be here and to see I have seventy-flippin-two subscribers! Thank you all x mwah x

I have to be honest; I feel my mind, body and soul has been taken over by an evil spirit, Nosferatu style- this evil spirit being the monster of burn-out and a frazzled mind. I wonder if perhaps you resonate with my sentiments: I’m not even entirely sure why I feel so incredible frazzled (note: I do not mean “frazzled” in a cute frazzled-english-women-aesthetic kinda way, but like… my skin is grey and my under-eyes look ghoulish and I have a pain flare up). However, I do suspect it’s the result of simply living through 2024. The grief of seeing so much war, the anxiety of seeing the most detestable humans make their way into world-leader positions and the fact my generation is earning less and less (but working more and more), whilst the cost of simply living sky-rockets higher and higher and higher. It all just feels gloomy and in every instance of gloom, I know I have no control over the circumstances. I feel no autonomy in a world where the most awful of events are orchestrated by people I bear no alignment with, people I fear and find nightmarish.

I believe I am quite good at romanticizing the mundane, finding inspiration and joy in the small things- but I am also extremely good at worrying. I always have been, even as a small child. I’ll always recall coming across one of my early school reports and seeing my teacher regularly mentioning my “nervous disposition”. I am also a capricorn and an eldest daughter so… do with that information what you like!

It has, indeed, been difficult to shake this sense of gloom and internal anxiety. I have just turned 30, which for me has been a re-awakening of my soul and has felt wonderfully new and exciting- I enter this new decade feeling so much more aligned with myself, and more confident in my voice and who I am as a person- but with this new decade comes along a whole new set of concerns; mainly ones that stem from societal expectations that have been whispered into my ear since I can remember: should I be married? why don’t I own a house?? why don’t I earn enough? why have I had to move back in with my mum?? again??? why aren’t I a super successful artist yet????? should I worry I don’t have children?? or a boyfriend? and why don’t I really want either right now? oh and should I be concerned that I have a squishmallow collection?? and enjoy wearing bows in my hair like a child from Mary Poppins??

As someone with a chronic pain condition and connective tissue disorder, I have already gone through the grieving process that comes with not reaching milestones at the same rate as others your age- I have had to accept that I cannot work within a typical rhythm and have to meander through life in a much slower and round-about fashion, so turning 30 and having not reached certain milestones expected of me doesn’t tear my heart out in the same way I’ve seen it do for others my age. I know there is no formula or route that works for everyone- but still, I am not immune to feeling that lingering, creeping sense of worry, the heaviness of feeling behind, wondering if you’ve wasted your potential or should be further along life in some way. I think this feeling is even deeper and darker and stickier when you are a women.

I write all this to you as a method of processing how I feel (hint, i’m frazzled!) and because I want you to know you are not alone if you share any of my sentiments. I don’t have a solution or a magic potion to make everything better, but I do know things tend to work out and that there are, I hope, small glimmers and love and sparkly joy in your life. Maybe it’s a snuggle with your dog, getting to see your friends and laugh with them, reading an excerpt of writing that brings you inspiration, seeing a painting that encourages you to keep your creative practise going, a really good cup of coffee or a sandwich that just tastes sooooo delicious. Perhaps it’s knowing that spring will be here soon, and the evening skies will don a pinky-blue hue and cherry blossoms will fill the trees and you won’t need to wear seven layers and gloves!

Frankly, I feel I am standing on the cusp of something new, or that there is a door in front of me that is unlike any other door, and I’m not sure what could be behind it but I’ll regret not at least seeing what lies ahead. It’s as though the universe is shifting and changing and I am afraid of the unknown but know deep in my mind that it is more terrifying to stay still than to move forwards and feel uncomfortable.

Thank you, dear reader, for being here with me and I hope your worries melt away in 2025- if you feel worried about money, I hope financial stability comes your way; if you feel afraid of ageing I hope you see the beauty in it, of how much there is to come and what a joy it can be to be alive! I hope for the world that we see peace and genocide is ended. I hope we realise that humans must protect other humans and community and mutual respect and love is the most powerful force there can be- more powerful than bombs and guns.
Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough and I doubt any of my post makes much sense, but let’s keep going forwards together and hey- don’t worry about your squishmallow collection!!! you do you x

Love,

Rebecca x